How Finding My Song Is Helping Me Find Myself
- I am brave.
- I am bruised.
- I am who Iām meant to be.
- This is me.
- I’m not scared
- to be seen.
- I make no apologies.
- This is me.
Have you ever thought about what your intro song would be if you played professional basketball? Or what your walk-up song would be if you were an MLB player? No? Just me? Huh…I think you’re fooling yourself, but, whatever. I’ll move on. Iāve relegated myself to the fact that Iām never going to be a professional basketball player or an MLB player…damn Parkinsonās. What? Why the laughter? And that eye roll? You know just as well as I do that pre-Parkinsonās my chances were very good. But post-Parkinsonās, well, itās just going to have to be a song…no intro or walk up. Just a song. My song.
things are changing
This last little while, something in me has begun changing. I donāt know if itās a new form of bravery peeking out from behind my writing. If itās a rediscovered strength clawing its way back to the surface. Maybe itās a new determination Iām just now unlocking. I donāt know. But something is changing. Iām done. Iām over it.
For the past 17 months…since my Lupus and Parkinsonās diagnoses…Iāve been letting these diseases tell me how I have to live my life. Ā NOT. ANY. MORE. Iām putting my foot down. Iāll probably trip over it…but Iām still putting my foot down. Iām going to take over and Iām going to show these diseases how I want to live my life. Itās not always going to be perfect or even pretty. Ā And itās not ever going to be easy. But it is going to be.
Iāve got some work to do. I need to stop apologizing for things that I no longer, nor ever did, have any control over. This one is big. Iām a people-pleaser. Iām an overachiever. I apologize for ev-er-y-thing. I want those around me to be happy and I take that on as my responsibility. A while back, my therapist had me wearing an elastic band on my wrist. Every time I apologized to anyone for something that I truly had no control over, she wanted me to snap the elastic band. This would be a physical way to remind my head and my heart that I didnāt need to apologize to everyone for everything. I donāt wear the elastic band anymore. But I sure wore it long enough and I certainly snapped it often enough that it worked. Sorry, I guess I should say…itās starting to work. What?!? Sorry. Itās progress. Okay?!? I’m going to check out a Parkinson’s-centered physical therapy group. And I’m going to try not to notice or care if I’m the only person there in their 40’s. I want to try to stop hiding my hands behind my back or in my pockets when they tremor while Iām out in public. I need to stop worrying that the person behind me in the check-out lane maybe thinks Iām drunk because I canāt always (ie: hardly ever) get my debit card into the chip reader. Sure. My signature is changing and looks a little wonky and illegible when I sign at the pharmacy. So what. So does the doctor’s who wrote the prescription. I need to stop wondering how many sets of eyes are staring at me when my walk looks a little clumsy or when I have to take the gymnasium bleachers like a toddler some nights. I want to start celebrating. I want to learn to celebrate the fact that even though I may look a bit discombobulated to others…the fact that others are seeing me means that Iām out. It means that it was a good enough day…a strong enough day…for me to be out. For me to be doing life on my terms. Shaky terms. But MY terms.
my song
If youāre wondering what any of this has to do with a song…give me a sec…Iām getting there. Ā A few weeks ago, when we were downstate for a volleyball tournament, I was riding in the car with my sister and my 4-year-old niece. Ā She asked her momma if she would please play āher songsā. I know what youāre probably thinkingā¦and maybe even already humming. Sheās 4 and she wants āher songsā. Ā Yep. Oh good…weāre about to listen to āBaby Sharkā and āBoom-Chicka-Boomā. Loud. On repeat. But…you donāt know my niece. Sheās THE cutest, THE sassiest and THE smartest 4-year old bundle of energy. Ā And āher songsā…? āHer songsā just happen to be the songs from āThe Greatest Showmanā. And we did listen to them. Loud. On repeat. And I was hooked. My niece knows ALL. THE. WORDS. And now…because I refuse to be bested by a 4-year-old…so do I. Ā I adore the entire soundtrack. But thereās one song in particular that truly resonated with me. One song that has stuck with me. And I canāt stop listening to it. Loud. On repeat. My niece calls it āthe crying songā and now, well…so do I. Itās not my intro song. Nor will it ever be my walk-up song. But thanks to āThe Greatest Showmanā, thanks to performer Keala Settle and thanks to my favorite 4-year-old; thanks to some newfound strength and bravery inside of myself…it is MY song.
This hand Iāve been dealt is mine. This life…messy and beautiful… is mine. I found my song. Now, Iām working on finding myself once again. Like I said… Itās not always going to be perfect or even pretty. And itās not ever going to be easy. But it is going to be. Because…THIS IS ME.
- I am brave.
- I am bruised.
- I am who Iām meant to be.
- This is me.
- Iām not scared
- to be seen.
- I make no apologies.
- This is me.
Nikki, this is fantastic! That last paragraph…I feel it!!!
“This hand Iāve been dealt is mine. This lifeā¦messy and beautifulā¦ is mine. I found my song. Now, Iām working on finding myself once again.” ššš
Thanks, Mark!
I admire the way you’re managing the hand you’ve been dealt.
-Nikki
The song is so heady and yet so inspiring and insightful. You’re such a brave spirit. So glad we met!
I just adore this song!
So glad our paths crossed, as well!
-Nikki
Brave, inspiring and well written. Bravo.
Thank you for your kind words!
-Nikki
Thank you for this. Newly diagnosed with Parkinsonās and finding my way. This was inspiring.
Lorrie –
Thank you for taking the time to read and reach out.
I’m glad that my piece was helpful to you as you begin finding your way with your new diagnosis.
Please feel free to continue to reach out and ask questions or seek support. I would be happy to help if I am able.
Thinking of you.
-Nikki
Really love your articulate expression of hope. Everyone is dealing with something, some more obvious than others. Stay Grateful for who and what you have. Optimistic for a future that is bright. Expectant of Grace that will carry you forward.
Thank you for your kind words!
Nikki, Great article. You have challenges but you will meet them head on
Thanks, Judith!
I’m sure going to try!
Beautiful … Inspiring … Awesome!
Thank you!!
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This is amazing. I want to find my song too! Thank you for inspiring me to
Thank you for taking the time to read and reach out!
I hope you find your song! ā¤ļø
Good for you! You’ve inspired me to find my own song. I’m thinking Streisand’s “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” Keep up the good fight.
Thank you for taking the time to read and to reach out!
I think youāve chosen a good song! ā¤ļø
What a Strong Soul you are! Take one day at a time, hold your head up high. You must remember, God only gives us what we can handle. Take care. Sending Healing Angels your way! š
Brenda…thank you for such kind words. These are the things that keep me pushing forward! ā¤ļø
Love it Nikki! Stay strong you got this! Love your journal thoughts.
Thank you, Pam.
Love and miss you. ā¤ļø
This is such a āfunnyā post to me. The last few weeks my husband and kids have been picking out their walk up songs! Seriously. How ironic. Who thinks like that? Us! ā¤ļø
Yep!
Thatās too funny!
Hopefully they chose some rockinā walk-ups.
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I L O V E T H I S SO M U C H ! !
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ā¤ļø
You. Are. Phenomenal.
The lyrics of this song vibrate energy in harmony with your passion. Itās a beacon for all of us to learn from you as we relate to the melodies and heart- opening words.
Love and miss you so much, Gail. ā¤ļø
Thank you for your unwavering prayers and support…always.